Thursday, December 2, 2010

Is it creepy that I am 31 and like the Jonas Brothers?

I totally don’t consider myself some old pervert, but evidently my sons do. I downloaded that “Burnin up” song from the Jonas Brothers and Gavin told me that I am too old to listen to them. Apparently, it’s disturbing to my sons that I am young enough to still listen to pop music, though, I’m not some soccer-mom that has CDs of children’s music and watches tween movies like, “High School Musical.”

Never mind my slight fascination with Zac Efron. (What? I would TOTALLY do him if I were like, 25.(30) sigh.

Taylor took a low blow to my gut at this point with, “When you get to be your age, mom…you have to start listening to Beethoven to increase your brain power so you don’t get “all’s-himers” because then you won’t know us anymore. And calcium because your bones are going to crack when you fall down the stairs” (I actually do trip down the stairs quite often, but more as a result of tripping over our dog than straight clumsiness.)

Then Gavin poured salt in the wound with my favorite, “Yeah, you’re even too old to have any more babies.”

Ummm…I’m 31, so I feel the need to defend my choice to stop popping out children. I’m young, especially to have two kids that are almost teenagers. Of course to them, we seem ancient as all parents do, but having issue with the tag team approach they were taking on my youth, I told them that if they even think of knocking some girl up at the age I was when I got knocked up…I will lock them in their room and ground them. Gavin tried to say he could figure out how to get out without us knowing if I did that, and I told him I would maim him. Like, staple their little balls to the floor. “Try to sneak out the window if I do that!”

Teenage pregnancy is a frequent topic of discussion at my household. We like to horrify the kids beyond imagination by telling them they will have to work at McDonalds for the rest of their lives and never go to Disney World with their children. (Which is about the most horrible thing they can imagine.) I make them watch Teen Mom and then tell them that if they get someone pregnant, they become abusive like Amber.

I also tell them that sex without condoms when you’re not married produces gremlins, which is why they aren’t allowed to eat after midnight.

My worst fear as a mother of sons is that they can get MULTIPLE girls knocked up simultaneously. I really thought they would have the male birth control pill by now. When they do come out with it, I will be first in line. Forget parents who actually believe their kids will practice abstinence---I know my spawn. I will totally crush it up in their Capt Crunch, make them snort it…I don’t care. I will make it to my mid-forties before I am called Nana. I have no room in my Coach for packets of crackers and moist towelettes.

I was nominated on Babble's Top 50 Mom Blogs List. So pretty please take two minutes and click here: then scroll down to "Glamorous Life" and click on the "like" button.
Thanks a bunch!

submit to reddit


  1. You go girl, I am with you on all counts.

  2. I especially like the balls nailed down bit. Great parenting advice. Will remember that one because as a mother of a three-year old boy I am petrified that he will impregnate the prom queen. Even worse, knock up the bell of the burn-outs. Hilarious post, and old lady my ass!

  3. By the way, I lost the instructions for nominating for a stylish award. Long week. And I would love to guest post and write about my love of army boots and my inability to wear heels for more than five minutes. NO, three minutes. Let me know the info on both fronts and hope your weekend in filled with Jonas Brotherly love.

  4. Hi Keri,

    I am now following you. I like tell it like it is attitude! I would love for you to follow me back!


  5. Sorry,
    here is my correct url:

  6. I like that damn song too. It's catchy and I feel like an asshole for liking it. That and that stupid Justin Bieber song.

    I'd love to believe that my kids will never even know what sex is. My dad still claims that my pregnancy is through immaculate conception. lol

  7. I am not allowed to have Justin Bieber anywhere near my house. My sons are hatin the playa not the game.

    I can just imagine the discussions that my kids have with friends at school..."My mom said she will staple me down to the floor by my balls...." But that's why they love me. ;)