If they’re called “Wisdom Teeth”, why the hell do they pull them out???

I am terrified of the dentist.

It’s not that I don’t like getting my teeth shining and fresh. It doesn’t bother me at all to get the cleaning and exam done. It’s the possibility of something being wrong that I don’t like.

I loved my dentist as a kid...Dr. Miller. This guy was born to work with kids. He had cute murals all over the office of The Muppets and Sesame Street characters with teeth. There were toys to play with, and at the end of the visit when your mom was checking out at the counter, you got to pick a prize from the treasure box. (I would appreciate a treasure box every now and then. It’s these things you miss as an adult.)
Then it all changed.

I had to go to an orthodontist in about 4th grade to get a retainer. Dr. Long. This guy thought he was quite a stud. He only hired attractive young women…a bevy, if you will…seeming to serve his every whim and desire. His shirt was unbuttoned to his hip, and through his sea of wavy chest hair, gleamed a gold pimp chain. And he had caps, I think. I remember always thinking that his teeth were so white and straight that they looked like those wind-up, clapper teeth. This image still scares me. (Shudder.) His daughter went to high school with me. I always felt bad for her that her dad was such a skeeve.

Anyway, I went through about 6 retainers because I was/am ADHD and kept throwing them out on my lunch tray at school. I was a kid…Jesus Christ!!! What did you think was going to happen, MOM? My parents and I spent their 10th wedding anniversary digging through the dumpster at my school, looking for one of them. Gag. Number one, if my sons need a retainer, it’s getting cemented in to their heads. Two, it was like $50!!! I am not digging through a dumpster again.

Then I had braces for 3 years, through Jr. High and my freshman year of high school. 3 F&*$-in YEARS!!!! Only to have my wisdom teeth grow in and make them crooked again! What, did you not SEE on the XRAYS that there wasn’t enough room??? And now I have to have two of them filled Friday (I have NEVER had a cavity) and the other two pulled out in January. Without being knocked out. Oh, I asked. I am a nervous wreck. (P.S. I called my dentist to ask if they at least had laughing gas, and THEY DON’T! So I pussed out and scheduled the removal at an oral surgeon so they can just knock me out.)

To make matters worse, Andy got 3 of his pulled last week, and spent most of Monday drooling blood on my bed. I went home at lunch to check on him and give him fresh bags of ice, but he was passed out and the bags wouldn’t stay on the sides of his face. I was half-tempted to duct tape around his head. My only consolation was that he forgot he had heart-monitor sticky things stuck to his chest and stomach until the next day, so it was fun to watch him try to pull those off…and of all nights, I flung my arm back in my sleep and punched him in the face. Lol. He woke me up to yell at me, to which I ignored and went back to sleep. I feel bad now. (Kind of.) (P.S.#2 Andy had to go to the dentist again today due to immense pain over the weekend and he has dry socket.)

But the army even had the decency to knock him out. The timing couldn’t have been worse to make me even more anxious about my cavities. I am seriously considering calling my Dr and asking for a valium.

I hate Dr. Long.