Sunday, January 22, 2012

I need a girls night out.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught in the same old routine. Watching reruns, living by my DVR and yoga pants every day doesn't leave room to access the parts of me that are still longing to be carefree.

My kids are at a great age. At almost 12 and 13, and already independent, they have their own daily agendas. While I have no problem with the possibility of retiring young, I am glad that I will soon be moving home, where I have people that can go out and do things, although most have young kids.

My fear is that since they have small kids, they won't still be up for a old fashioned wild girls night out.

Sometimes, you need to cut loose and just laugh, whether it's due to the irony or everyday crap, or looking back on old times. But this is the reason I love my friends that I grew up with. There is no pretention or bullshitting...we know what we've all done and love each other regardless. There is a safety and sisterhood in that.

I hope moving home will give me the chance to do things with my own sisters to go have fun nights, but they are still at the point in their relationships where decisions lie heavily with their husbands. Once you are married over a decade, I find that I care less about my every move pleasing my husband, as I have largely put my happiness in life on hold to fulfill his career ambitions. Now that he is retiring, it's my turn to shout outloud what I want.

I also fear that moving home will come with its own set of issues. Dealing with people that I have had limited contact with over the past 12 years. Needy parents, family obligations...things that you can escape when you are several hundreds of miles away.

Army life has ruined me in that aspect. I am used to be alone, so I find myself craving this time to deal with my life and make plans. I am used to being self-sufficient, and leaning via phone on my few close pals. I have to leave my therapist and start anew...a daunting task when it's hard to explain the situation that brought you to therapy in the first place. It would be easier to write a book first and them make the new shrink read it as a pre-requisite. I don't think I have the energy to rehash the story aloud anymore.

I also go into this move, knowing that the army won't be getting me out of it in a few years by switching duty stations. That means it will be up to me to scrimp and save once I do get ready to move on, and it lies largely on my motivation...which is sketchy. I think it will be a great thing to touch my past by moving home, and reinforce roots there for my kids, that even if I move away, they are in a place they can continue to call home after high school, if they so choose.

Not long after my move, will be my 15 year reunion. I look forward to this event to reconnect with old friends. With my blog reaching people I actually know, I'm sure I will have some odd things to answer and it may be a little embarrassing since I am so forthright in my opinions and my life's trials...not something many people would put honestly on the web for all to read.

It's one thing to blog anonymously, or from far away from where you grew up. But seeing people who I knew in high school and am friends with on FB who read it, sets me up for gossiping and whispers at a reunion. Honestly, if you know me and expect to see me when I move home, then just put it out there. I'm a big girl, and I can take it. I know who I am, and I accept And love myself, flaws and all.

I think everyone should. It would make us all a lot more at peace knowing others struggle too.

1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine being married to the army that long, lol. I think your very poetic and deep in thought. I think many military wife's feel the same you do. I know I do, my his and is air force, it'll be 4 years this September. I just always feel guilty for wanting that time with me and the girls, by the way my husband is a big introvert and likes a lot of time at home and expects the same from me (we are very opposite). It drives me nuts being at home all the time, although I work, everything seems so dull sometimes and I feel like just getting away for a little with the girls would be nice and distracting, you know something to recharge my batteries. I think that if I didnt have the obligation of my 3 year old daughter, I would actually go out with out feeling guilt. Kids really change the equation, and not saying that they are a regret. All I'm saying is, as a human you just need that time for you too :)