This past year is hands down the worst of my life.
To recap, 5 deaths, had my marriage tested, and my sanity. For the first time ever, I questioned if I could go on. A redeployment, a move that never happened, and ultimate dissolutionment with life. Loss of friends that I thought were true was the icing on the cake.
But I made it.
I don't ring in this New Year with much optimism. I know that I am on a long road, with battles ahead. But I know I will win the war.
For you see, I am able to be greatful for the positive and the things I've gained. Inner-strength, the development and testing of my character, and a beautiful new niece. I've developed a relationship with my inlaws that did not exist for the past 13 years, and so has my husband. I have a supportive unit of family and friends who accept me and will have my back through the bad times.
Things that haven't gone as expected are clearer to me now as to why.
The universe has its plans.
Men plan and God laughs.
These are all true.
But I see people in two groups now...those that know they are fucked on Earth, and those that haven't experienced it yet.
I have had to support my husband through his mental wounds of war. I can't possibly understand all of it, but I respect it enough to be by his side, as I would if he had come home physically injured. I quit my job in order to simplify my life while in chaos, and put my family first.
It's draining. To be able to help someone mentally impaired and not lose your sense of reality. I highly recommend anyone who has a soldier with PTSD or TBI to attend as many appointments as possible. Things get missed, and loopholes are created. You fight for your soldier as he fought for our country.
This being said, many non-vets have mental health issues. Drug and alcohol addictions are just as challenging. Sometimes you can't answer why something happened. You can only work on the progress to make change.
I have a lot to be resolved this next year. But once you surpass the hurdle of what is going on, you can develop an understanding and an empathy.
This life on Earth is not meant to be easy. It's a test of who you are and how you tough through things. Being a military wife has given me training for this...being able to adapt to new situations, being self-sufficient, and not giving up.
I have been broken, but in the broken places, lies strength.
You never know what is coming down the road. I sure don't. I can see my future ten years from now and know that many of the issues that keep me up at night will be over, and there will be new worries. But I know I will be okay.
When you have those ugly times that want to pull you down, fight it with all you have. Use it to make you grow, rather than fall apart.
Life is hard, but look at what we learn. Hopefully, we will teach each other how to get through the bad times as a community, and lessen the notion that you have to be strong enough to fight it alone.
Peace and love for all...