TMI...things to never post on Facebook

I am guilty of it. Many people are.

Posting TMI on status updates is uncontrollable. For some reason, mostly boring lives, we find the need to post everything we do for the world to see. But the worst offenders break down in to two catagories:

The ones who post non-stop boring stories about their kids, grocery shopping lists and other household duties.

And

The ones who post highly in appropriate content.
(I happen to at least find these amusing.)

Some of the highlights I've recently seen include:

"guess I shouldn't have had that Mexican food bc it's coming back on me now"

"after childbirth, my vagina can no longer hold a tampon."

"I've lost a lot of weight, but I don't know what to do with all the hanging skin."

"do balls sag? Bc mine are looking really low lately."

"I am not kidding you, that shit I took was at least a foot long."


And these are just the ones that I remember bc they made me laugh. I would probably post more graphic status updates myself if I wasn't aware that people actually read this stuff. But I am a person who has no issues bringing up bodily functions in mixed company. Other people are too easily offended if they know what time you take your daily crap, if you're constipated, or if you have multiple craps per day. (which makes me jealous bc I have to fight for one.)

The status updates I loathe are the ones that people never say anything real. It's all superficial, hunky-dorey BS. I see a lot of new mothers do this. My favorite new mother updates involve bitching about the fact that it sucks (ha) to breastfeed, and that it is making them second guess a second child. That's a real new mother. A fake new mother will post non-stop adorable ( or not so adorable) photos of their babies and want people to tell them how cute their babies are. But let's be real...a newborn looks like Winston Churchill, Mahatma Ghandi, or a boiled chicken. Very few are cute, and even less so if they are high maintenance.

Since I know about twenty fucking people that are knocked up right now, I am imploring you to put the funny and embarrassing stuff on your status updates. You can post pictures when they are born, and then once per month thereafter. The rest of your updates should amuse us veteran mothers of multiple children who know that the gig is up.

We know your kid has taken off his diaper and smeared his shit on the wall. We know you have caught your toddlers on the kitchen floor, eating out of 6 half gallon tubs of ice cream once they mastered getting out of their beds. We know they dumped a bowl of spaghettios on your couch, and filled the cats ears with ketchup.

Yes...my children did every one of those things, but I have heard other mother commiserate about the same stuff.

You cannot join the veteran mom club until you are over the amazing newness of your eating and shitting machine until you are willing to share the horror with the rest of us. And if your kid is perfect, then you are headed down a path of wild delusion and should put the shrinks number on speed dial, bc you will have one bumpy ride!