Well, my mother of the year candidacy is shot...

Somewhere on the 5 minute drive last night, between home and work, I lost my mind.

Any capability to string together words in a comprehensible way.

(Other than sh*t! d@mn! fu$K!) anyway.

I don't know about you, but I hate coming home from a trip to a nasty house. After the exhaustion of long car rides and the probability that all the laundry in your suitcases has to be washed, the last thing I need to see is unmade beds, dog hair and dirty dishes everywhere.

So last night was an overwhelming mix of info that I got at the same time. I found out that pretty much all my extended family is coming to my grandmothers on Saturday to celebrate Gavins birthday. It's wonderful news. I am just surprised they are all coming. So now I am kind of scrambling what was just going to be cake and some chips, to an actual spread.

In the midst of that, I found out one of my closest friends got bad medical news yesterday. It's devastating, because her husband is deploying for Afghanistan in like 3 weeks, and she is isolated in Alaska.

So I was pretty much spinning last night, trying to remember how to pack, since I uncharacteristically waited until the last second to do so, and cleaning up my house. My children, apparently don't realize that chores still exist when Andy isnt home, and so Gavin spends many of the weeks grounded for his poor attitude. What happened to my sunny, happy child???

This morning was a frenzy to get the rest done and make sure I didnt forget anything, as the kids left for school and I got ready for my short day at work. I yelled at the kids a few times to feed the dog, clean up this, pick this up. Gavin got lippy with me, and I told him I would let him see all his presents on Saturday so he knew what he was missing, and then he would be grounded from them for 3 weeks if he didn't help pick up. I think he swore under his breath as he did what I asked and then I pretty much shoved them out the door.

It wasn't til I was halfway to work that I realized today IS Gavin's birthday!

oh crap.

How do I forget that?

Well, we've had several birthday celebrations so far, and I guess it just didn't occur to me in all the chaos running through my mind, TRYING TO NOT FORGET ANYTHING.

Where are those old Calgon commercials, where the woman yells, "Calgon, take me away!" and is transported off to a spa-like setting and lovely warm bath?

Oh...and it's snowing. Isn't that special?
See ya Monday, pals. I will undoubtedly be in a lighter mood by then.

A birthday party kind of mood...

I'm goin' home, yo.

I leave tomorrow to head to good ole Lancaster, PA for the weekend. It's the last time I see my family before we head cross country to San Francisco.

It's also my brat's birthday (Gavin), aka: My Payback. He's already had two birthday events..one being a birthday dinner in St Lucia with a cake, since Andy is gone for the 5th year in a row. And then his sleepover last weekend, of which the effects are still, well...effecting me. This kid is milking it too. He know what cards to play when it comes to "my daddy missed my birthday again." I think at this point, we can all agree that a normal birthday is without Daddy, so give it up, kid.

This weekend, we are going to my grandparents house and my cousins are coming. And we are having ANOTHER birthday party for him. He will be thrilled at the propect of multiple presents, since mostly it involves birthday cards in the mail, and nothing to open in person. It will be great to see everyone before we go...undoubtedly, we won't be home for a while.

I never seem to have time when I go home to see my friends. I would love to go see one of my best friends, "Waif", as I have called her since high school. But she's another two hours from my moms, and its pretty much a whole day event to drive down and back. It really sucks that we can't see each other more often, but most of my best friends have no kids or little kids and no money. Now I am in the stage I can laugh at them because my kids are old enough to amuse themselves and I have a fair amount of boredom because they also do chores. I can start living again!

Moving across the country again reminds me of when I first left home to get married at 19. A week after my wedding, Andy came up to move our mismatched things down to our humble abode on Ft Benning. My best friends out in the yard of my parents house, saying goodbye. We cried like we were dying. I've always had a flair for the dramatic. Poor Andy must have felt like an asshole...lol. Taking me away from the life and people I knew to move to GA with him and our two month old son.

Now I am moving out west. To a real city. With things to do every day, places to see. Something to experience, other than people going in their pajamas to the grocery store. And I am moving to two of the best friends I have, which I never thought would happen again.

But I feel guilty leaving my family. (Damn conscience.)

My grandparents won't fly. This probably bothers me the most, since they are getting up there in age and I love them to death. My grandfather had a quadruple heart bypass last spring, and I was by his side for a week. They have to be a priority to me to come home to see regularly.

My sisters are starting their families. I don't want to miss my nephews and niece's adoption. But I don't think that realistically, we will be able to fly back as soon as this summer. Births, I will be home for. I will not miss those.

My parents are on their own. After two years of living with me, my dad is moving back to PA. It's like they are just starting over again with life, by themselves.

I hate to leave them.

But I know I have to. I knew from the time I was about 10, that I would need to go far and away. I have that wandering spirit. That's why the military wife gig suits me. I need new things, new places, and new people. I take only the bare minimum friends with me...keeping in touch is hard and it's about quality.

Now I am kind of sad. But excitement reigns in my body. I am going to break it down.

"Minor Technical Difficulties" have ensued.

So Sunday, I fell down the stairs.

Not my most graceful move...that's for sure.

I guess my foot slipped down the steps and up in the air I went. I landed on my back on the bottom steps and it knocked the air right out of me. Since then, my back has progressively gotten more sore.

Today I woke up and had no motivation to get up. Worse, I found that it wasn't easy to do either. Everything had gotten really stiff overnight.

So off to school the kids went, and I went back to bed. Unfortunately, I can't sleep, so I'm laying here, prisoner to daytime tv.

I find myself wishing Andy was home to do the laundry. My kids appear to have worn enough clothes to dress 20 kids this week. And now it's in the laundry room. I almost lost my shit when I went in to put a load in the washer and found FOLDED CLOTHES thrown in the basket/mountain of dirty stuff. (what the hell is wrong with my kids???)

So, I'm packing up most of their clothes and keeping out the bare minimum for the next two months. I have no patience for constantly doing laundry unnecessarily. They haven't gotten the memo that I am not the household laundry bitch.

I find myself thankful that my husband deals with that when he's home. And it makes me miss him ever so much more.

A few little known facts about yours truly...

Well, my weekend pretty much sucked.

Gavin had his birthday sleepover, which consisted of 4 boys, a gallon of sugar and me being woken up every hour until 6am, at which point I lost my sanity completely and yelled at them all to go to sleep. I also pulled Taylor upstairs to his own room, because he was found chasing the other kid through the house. It was a great time. Heh.

I also started to clean out my closets in preparation for moving. From mine alone, I had four bags of junk to get rid of. My next task for this week, is to pack up most of my kids clothes. Right now, my entire dining room table is stacked two feet high of all their clothes, and they all end up in the dirty laundry to me to rewash within 5 days. So I am going easy on myself and just leaving out enough to get by the next two months.

We might have a house. Maybe. Hopefully. More on this in the next day or two.

As promised, I thought of a few random things that hardly anyone knows about me. Not the most exciting blog post, but better than talking more about my cleaning habits.

1. I hate getting rid of stuffed animals. I guess I never stopped thinking that maybe they really do have feelings and come to life if I'm not in the room with them. I know it doesn't really make sense, and I'm okay with that. I have garbage bags full of them from when I was a kid.

2. I actually own several large pieces of exercise equipment. Not that I use them. My INTENT is always to use them, but then some prime excuse surfaces as to why I can't, and it collects dust in some awkward space in the already crowded house. I don't know why Andy lets me buy more???

3. I kill live plants. I can't even manage to keep bamboo alive. Andy has put a monetary limit on how much I am allowed to spend on landscaping flowers for the front of our house each year. Hanging baskets and potted plants are the worst.

4. I love documentaries on weather phenomena as much as I love black comedies. They are pretty much my favorite genres. lol. White Chicks is one of my fave.

5. My favorite nationality of food is Mexican, followed by French. Cheesy carbs vs. cheesy carbs. Margarita vs. fine wine. What is not to like??

6. I wish I would've had my kids learn a different language from birth. I really screwed up with this one. I think it's important for kids to be bilingual. It will only help them as they get older.

Guilty Indulgence for the weekend? A muzzle for my son.

Do you have a child that doesn't EVER shut up?

In all reality, it should come as no surprise my son is talkative. He DOES have me for a mother.

But THIS kid NEVER STOPS TALKING. It's becoming worse and worse. The only way I can quiet my house, is to send him outside.

Bad mother.

Instead of keeping him grounded because of his poor attitude lately, I choose the sweet sounds of silence.

Instead of teaching him a lesson, I give myself the gift of no mortal combat between my sons.

Until the sun starts to set, and he needs to come in for the night.

Welcome World War III.

And then I look wistfully at Andy's hearing aids, and think, "YOU LUCKY FUCKER. Half-deaf and you STILL manage to come out the winner."

I’ve decided (#3)…

…that balance-ball technology only applies to women who don’t have cottage-cheese thighs to begin with. Those bitches in the commercials were already blessed with good genes, so excuse me for doubting a pair of sneakers are going to trim me down while I eat a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

…that I’d like to know when my wrists and cleavage started looking old?! I swear last time I looked down things were still in good working order.

…that no matter how many times I’ve gone to bed alone because my husband is gone playing soldier, it sucks more and more.

…that the true definition of Determination, is waiting in line at the Burger King drive-thru for 45 minutes so that you don’t have to get out of your car and walk inside.

…that military haircuts are unflattering, at best, for most soldiers due to misshapen head issues. I would like to vote in favor of the “Kingpin” aka the Bowl Cut ….

…that in light of the recent earthquakes in the world and terrifying damage that has happen because of them….I think I will take my chances with moving to California because it means I won’t be obligated to go see my family and/or in-laws every month or endure guilt-trips. YOU ALL OWN CARS TOO, PEOPLE!!!

…that not understanding the lyrics to some songs is NO excuse for not attempting to sing along with them. This is how “La Isla Bonita” became “Lucky Star Oneta.”

…that I still kind of like Charlie Sheen, even though, by all accounts, he is a giant pompous ass. He’s funny as shit and kind of rascally.

A house is not a home.

I've found my mind completely shot the past two weeks.

I am still not sleeping. My dreams are full of all the rental houses I've been looking at obsessively.

When we moved up to NY from Fort Benning, GA...there was a similar problem with quality rentals being available on the market. Mostly because there are no quality houses up here. (lol. but seriously.)

So I found a house on Craigslist that looked SUPER nice. After finding out it was a SGT Major that owned it, I figured they are senior level and trustworthy.

Boy was I wrong. $2500 worth of wrong.

I had given them the deposit because I was a homeowner and I knew how antsy they must be renting their house to a stranger. Plus, then I knew it was locked down and we had a place to go.

Then we arrived. The house was a DISASTER. Mold in the basement, where three of the bedrooms were, melted popsicles on the floor, spray painted windows in the living room and an iron mark in the middle of the bedroom floor. I was pissed. The lady's mom was there and got furious with me when I said I wasn't taking it. She shrieked at me how it was a beautiful home.

Even if these people were so inbred that they thought their house was amazing, it was telling that NONE of these issues were in the pictures. They kept close attention to masking those details. The people up here are like that movie, "The Hills Have Eyes." I am terrified to drive through the southwest.

Basically I tried to get my money back, and even tried to file in small claims court against them, but I couldn't because they were in Texas. So we were screwed, homeless and out another $2500 deposit that we had to put down in a shoebox of a townhouse to wait until housing was available ON Ft Drum.

In essence, it was a disaster of epic porportions and Andy blames me BIG TIME for #1-Renting a house without someone seeing it in person and #2-Because I was a moron for making us move to Ft Drum because my friend was moving here and no other valid reason. (It's true...I have to suck both of these up, much to my chagrin. There is simply no one else to blame this on.)

So now Andy is afraid to lock down a house in CA before we can see it, which I would be too if it weren't for my BFF's who can go look at homes for us. I trust their judgement. If anything, they are even more picky than me.

I found one great one, minus the fact that it's only one bathroom. But Andy is skeptical. Leaving us disagreeing on what we are going to realistically get. I can tell you this much...if we don't go with something good bc we are waiting for something better to come along and then can't find anything, I will be the one who is mad.

FML.

This body was made for the SPA.

I begin this week with a certain level of exhaustion, so relaxing treatments are sounding appealing to me right now.

Maybe I should be a little more embarrassed of my weight. I actually weigh a lot. Luckily, I don’t look as fat as I really am, which in my mind, gives me license to eat more. I also think that my ability to lose large amounts of weight in short periods of time doesn’t encourage me to adopt a more healthy lifestyle. Yet, I keep trying because I aspire to be health-concious.

I attribute it to being “muscular” underneath my fat.

Surprisingly, I have no issues with going to a spa and getting rubbed down by a total stranger. Or NOT a total stranger…one of my friends was my massage therapist when I lived in GA. I miss her hands….not in a creepy way.

But I can’t help but wonder how gross it must be to rub down a complete stranger. I would imagine that hairy people are the worst. I keep wondering how to bring up the subject of “man-scaping” to my sons without completely horrifying them, while not completely encouraging them to start trimming away pubes on my bathroom floor. Let’s be honest…these kids don’t pick up their socks, so do you really think they will scoop up rogue crotch hairs?

ME NEITHER.

Actually, I think rubbing down a fat person wouldn’t be that bad. Kind of like a large stress ball. Or bread dough….Sounds stress relieving on a different level.

I am also desperately trying to stop smoking. I really need to, and I know all the reasons why. But unless I start drinking more often, it’s the last thing I can clutch to in a panic attack since I’ve given up the Xanax. And I’ve been smoking a lot lately. I seem to be failing at everything I am attempting in the past two weeks, and normally I’m fine with that. But right now I need things to be going right.

I need Tom Cruises help. The mystic power of Scientology.

Okay, maybe I’m not that desperate.

Walt Disney World Do’s and Don’t’s

My family are Disney Fanatics. It started when I was 6, and my parents took us for the first time. Now my grandparents, parents, sister and my family all own the Disney Vacation Club timeshare. But before we bought the timeshare, we have stayed at just about every resort in the community, making me somewhat of an expert on Walt Disney World. Disney World is pretty expensive, but I will give you some great tips on how to have the best vacation ever!!!

Hotels:
DO stay at a Walt Disney World hotel. They have hotels in EVERY price range, and the quality and service is amazing. Once you get there, you park your car and don’t touch it again until you leave. They provide transportation around all of their property for free!!! Buses, monorails and boats…traveling on their transportation is an attraction in itself. This includes roundtrip free transportation from the airport!!

My Recommendations for Hotels:

Price-Conscious Hotel:
Disney All-Star Movies Resort

Medium Price Range:
Disney’s Caribbean Beach Resort

Deluxe Accomodations:
Disney’s Beach Club Resort

Deluxe Villas (Home away from home, with KITCHENS and multiple bedrooms!):
Disney’s Old Key West Resort
Disney’s Wilderness Lodge

Meal plan vs. “winging it”:
If you stay on the property, you can choose to take part in their meal plan or deluxe meal plan. The only downside is that everyone in your party has to do the same thing, so if you are staying with friends or family, be aware that everyone has to be on the same page.

If you want to be more budget-conscious, DO choose against the meal plan. Eat breakfast in the room, poptarts, donuts or Nutragrain bars. Take your own bottles of water. Every water fountain in the Disney property goes through a water purification system. IT’s ALL CLEAN, cold and delicious. So refill your bottles as you walk around instead of paying $4 a bottle. Another tip is to eat your big dinner at lunch time. Lunchtime prices are much better for big meals, and usually portions are the same, PLUS it’s easier to get reservations and gives you a break from the hot sun! That way you save dinner time for something easier and less filling, like sandwiches or salads, and you can be out on the rides while everyone else waits for dinner.

Also, take note when ordering burgers or “quick service” meals where you order at the counter:

The kids meals are the SAME SIZE as the adult meals, but half the price!!!! We figured this out when we were still kids, and we still order kids meals for ourselves.

The meal plans are a good value ONLY if your kids are under the age of 11. (See Disney’s Options for Dining Plans and pricing:


Now that my kids are too old, we will not be doing the dining plan anymore, unless Andy and I go alone. It’s a TON of food anyway, and you end up gaining weight even though you are walking around so much.

DO make reservations for a character meal. Cinderella’s Royal Table is on the second floor of the castle in the Magic Kingdom. It’s a beautiful way to share a special meal with your kids.

Theme Parks:
One key thing is that you DON’T need to bring your strollers and then lug them everywhere. For a reasonable charge, you can rent a stroller at one park in the morning, turn it in, hop a bus to another park, and show your receipt and get another one without getting charged again. Plus then you don’t have to worry about someone stealing it when you go on rides. They also rent double strollers, which is great if you have a baby and a toddler. Even 4/5 year olds get pretty tired of walking around and welcome the chance to ride.

DO get to the parks EARLY. Go on the most popular rides first, grabbing a FASTPASS that will allow you to skip lines and ride again. After lunch, it is super hot in Florida, so use this time to go back to the hotel and take a nap and a cool dip in the pool. Then you’re able to return to the park around dinnertime and play for the rest of the evening.

DO Go to the Animal Kingdom first thing in the morning. It’s jungle-like and humid, so the heat of the afternoon sun makes it unbearable. Go right to the Safari Expedition when you get there and the morning is cool. This is your best chance to see the animals. They tend to vanish as the day gets warmer.

DON’T miss the shows! Disney goes out of their way to put on some spectacular shows and parades. You might think they are stupid, but your kids will remember them for their entire lives, because there is nothing else like it. It all helps to make the Disney experience unlike any normal vacation. You really are in a magical kingdom!

I Can't Sleep Because I am Obsessed With Japan's Well-Being

I look and feel like cow poop.

Seriously.

My eyes are red-rimmed, bloodshot and puffy. My skin is sallow. I have a sinus infection starting.

I don't feel good.

And to make matters worse, I have gotten next to no sleep this week, due to the time zone difference between here and Japan, their daytime is our nighttime, so Anderson Cooper is bringing me the all the info from 10pm to 12pm on CNN.

How do you say no to cheeky Anderson Cooper?

(I do not. I CAN not. He is my kryptonite, and resistance to him is futile.)

So up I sit, riveted by the horrific pictures of huge ships parked next to houses...and 6 Nuclear Reactors ready to meltdown at any minute.

From a viewers point of view, this is like watching Armeggeddon, 2012 and Deep Impact all rolled in to one. A nightmare unfolding. What is happening?

"This is the End. My only friend, The End." ~Jim Morrison

Makes you start to wonder.

My mom calls to tell me this week how "The Big One" will hit California almost immediately after I drive over the border in to San Francisco.

Thanks, mom. I needed the extra stress. Really? Earthquakes in California? What an unconsidered concept.

Anderson gets infuriated at the lack of information from the Japanese government. Get them, Anderson. I am am pissed too. Pissed for people who are so shell-shocked right now that they don't know what's going on, and the government gives no real updates and doesn't evacuate far enough out. Chernobyl was one reactor, as far as I can research. This is 6. Incidentally, Three Mile Island is about 7 miles from my sisters house in PA. And my mom was pregnant with me when they had all their drama in 1979.

I hope they get the power back on tonight so they can get it under control. And I need sleep.

The Trials of Army Recruiting School, Weeks One and Two

Andy started recruiting school last week, down at Fort Jackson, SC. I can tell you that it's not the greatest place, because that's where I went to basic training, many moons ago.

And I do not have fond memories.

He was pretty mad because they haven't been very forthcoming with information so far. We've had to nudge answers out of them about everything. Before we went on our trip, I had emailed the RTR guys and asked about a welcome email that he was supposed to get about a week before he went to ARC. He emailed back and said there was no such email, just report to the Welcome Center. Then we get to St Lucia, and the email comes, but we can't open it, because we didn't have Word loaded on Andy's mini netbook.

So Andy gets there and finds out he is sharing a room with another E-6. Not cool, when you have to be there for almost two months. Plus, it kind of prevents me from going to visit, which I had considered.

Week One of class was organization and regulations. You don't report until 5pm on Monday, so he had lots of time to settle in, since he arrived on Sunday. He had to write an essay about his army career Thursday night. Stupid timing when the first test was Friday. He also had homework most nights. He didn't do so hot on the first test, and had to retest on Monday. If you fail the test twice, you meet with the SGM, and most likely he boots you out. But from what I hear, you will get orders to go back 90 days later, if you are DA Select.

So we are in Week Two now, and tomorrow is this weeks test. From the little info I've been able to dig up on recruiting school, this is the hardest one. It's more regulation, but this one is focused on the ins and outs of waivers for enlistees. Andy had to complete his E-Qip online last night for his NALCL (or National Agency with Credit Check). He's also had a lot of homework this week.

Food:
They set up breakfast and lunch at the NCO Club and you use a meal card. For dinners Monday through Friday, you get a $10 voucher for fast food....which is pretty stupid since they aren't really doing much PT (exercise). Most nights, Andy has eaten pizza. He figures it's better for him than fried foods. On weekends, you eat at the Pub on post. Again, it's like a $10 voucher.

This is a good source for info if you are on recruiting orders:
Army Study Guide Recruiting Forum

You can ask whatever you want. There is a lot of content in here. It's about the most helpful thing I have found so far. You can also email me if you have a question and I will try to find out. It's been extremely frustrating at the lack of info about Recruiting Duty, so I will do what I can to help other people.

Whore Rules…rule. (Don’t read unless you appreciate low moral value)

Maybe you were a little wild in your youth. Sowed some oats, and all that jazz.

I can come up with a bunch of ways to make it sound pretty, but let’s be honest…maybe you slept with a bunch of people you now wish you hadn’t. Or, maybe you WISH you slept with some people who you forgot to. I think everyone I know has a list of whom they slept with, or has TRIED to make one, but couldn’t remember all the names, OR…is in complete denial about how many people they did sleep with and now believe their own lies.

In either case, one of my best friends and I made a list of “Whore Rules” back when she was a single gal, and I was married with two kids and had to live vicariously through hearing her stories while I remembered the “old days” of my youth. Of course, we did this to justify our bad behavior. The point of the “Rules” was to find ways to eliminate guys from the list due to extenuating circumstances. (So we didn’t have a long list).You probably won’t appreciate this unless you were a little slutty yourself, or you have a non-judgemental sense of humor (which, if you read my blog, you probably do…)

I’ve decided to print some of the “Rules” to share them with the world.

THE RULES:

If the “event” happens on a holiday, it doesn’t count. (And yes, Arbor Day and Flag Day ARE holidays, as are birthdays and 4 day weekends!)

If you have more than one guy with the same first name, it only counts once. IE: Two Steves=One Steve

If you have some same-sex action and you are straight, it doesn’t count because you were “just going through a phase” or “broadening your horizons.”

If the guy has a handicap or impediment, it doesn’t count because it’s community service. Things that fall under “handicap” include lazy eye, halitosis, bad teeth/hair.

For every 3 years that you remain in a stable relationship, you can eliminate one name off the list.

If the event occurred in water, it doesn’t count because you KNOW you didn’t even feel it.

If YOU don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.

If it occurred in the State of West Virginia, Arkansas or Mississippi, it didn’t happen because what you did was probably illegal.

A threesome only counts as one person, because you get points for multi-tasking.

If you were in college at the time, it doesn't count because you were furthering your education.

If you slept with Shaquille O’Neal or other man of great stature who has a “manly bit” as long as your wrist to your elbow…it didn’t count as a number, but you should really consider getting a tattoo that states it. That’s like a damn trophy…you should frame it and put it above the fireplace!

If government shuts down, so would troop pay

I was going to post something different today, but I thought you should hear about this:

By Rick Maze - Staff writer Army Times
Posted : Friday Mar 11, 2011 12:08:58 EST

U.S. troops could be required to report to work without pay if a budget clash in Congress results in a government-wide shutdown, according to draft planning guidance circulating in the Pentagon.

A shutdown could happen as early as next week, as the government is set to run out of money at midnight March 17. A bill that would keep the government operating temporarily has been prepared in the House of Representatives, but it is not clear when or if it might pass.

To Read the Rest of the Article...CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ARMY TIMES

Military Spouses and Unemployment During PCS Moves

I wish someone would’ve told me that I could possibly receive unemployment benefits when I have to quit my job to PCS with my husband. Unfortunately, I found out years after getting married about this benefit.

According to the Defense Dept, 21 states now allow military spouses to receive unemployment benefits. 8 states deny the benefits outright, and the rest consider each request on a case-by-case basis.

I have received unemployment while moving for a PCS, but you have to make sure you submit a copy of your spouse’s orders and put that as the reason you quit your job. You need to tell your employer that is the reason as well. Most states mandate that you can quit 30 days before the report date, so find out what your state requires before you leave.

Here are some great resources for finding out specifics for your state’s laws:

http://www.ncsl.org/?TabId=13331

http://mscn.org/download/uc50guide.pdf

St Lucia, West Indies

Our trip to St Lucia was a good one...

The airport sits on the far end of the island from where many of the resorts lie. It's about an hour ride via shuttle, but if you get queasy from car rides, this is not the place for you. They were hit pretty hard by a hurricane last fall, and as a result, many of the roads have crumbled down the cliffs in to the jungle. There were some points that I thought we were going off the side.

The island is stricken with poverty. Even my kids noticed how many of the people live in shacks. This is common with Caribbean islands, but I don't really like to be reminded that others live this way when I'm on vacation. It sounds callous and selfish, but it makes it really hard to enjoy yourself, knowing the staff are probably underpaid and will never know what it's like to enjoy a trip like you are on.

The Atlantic side of the island is beautiful, but not really a great place to vacation if you enjoy the beach. It reminds me of the coastline of California..beautiful mountains but not beach-worthy. The Caribbean side of the island is where the majority of the people live and the resort are.

The island operates with the Eastern Caribbean Dollar, which is roughly $1 US Dollar to $2.70 ECs. The drinks are reasonable...about $6/drink...but the food is RIDICULOUSLY priced, and at the Windjammer Landing, where we stayed, it was just so-so. The resort is beautiful, but I was not a fan of the beach. The sand is rocky and dirty. The staff was very warm and welcoming...most of the veteran staff remembered my MIL from her 11 years going there. Its a timeshare resort, which is a nice option. We own the Disney Vacation Club, and personally, I think its a better option for timeshare, but everyone has their own opinions of what they like. I am by no means putting the place down...we had a great time.

The villa was very nice and relaxing. We spent most of our time there. I like the option in having your private pool.

All in all, I would go back to St Lucia, but it's not somewhere I would go on a cruise ship stop. I would be more inclined to try some different islands, rather than rush back there right away. I loved Costa Maya, Mexico...but with the violence in Mexico, I would be worried about traveling there right now. If you are looking for a relaxing place to lounge, St Lucia was lovely...if you like to be more active, I would go somewhere else.

The view from our villa.

Our glorious porch, where I could happily live forever.

The view off the side of our pool.

My handsome son Gavin.

The debonair Taylor.

The open-air lobby.

The pool.

This ship was AMAZING.

How could anyone not like this?

Back to the Grindstone....kind of...

Today was my first day back to work since our trip. I ended up calling off yesterday, due to exhaustion and stress. In times like this, I find myself wondering, "Why the hell can't I be one of those people who stop eating when they're stressed???"

But alas, everything handy finds its way in to my mouth.

I've also found myself craving booze after my week in the Rum capital of the world. I don't even drink rum. But something about it was wonderful while I was gone. I wanted to bring home a few bottles of it, but couldnt be sure it wouldnt break on the plane, which would've made me very sad. I promised myself if I don't drink anything until Friday, I can have some wine. lol. Signs of a problem?!

I also gave my notice to work today. It has been adding stress to the pile, since I have such a great boss...knowing I was leaving pretty much since I started this job has made me feel guilty...NOT something I often feel. But it went great, and now I have one more thing off my "worry pile."

I will go online tonight when I get home and post a few St Lucia photos...which I can't do at work. I will also post a review of my trip, which will count as my post for tomorrow since I am feeling extraordinarily lazy this week.

Blame it on the rum and the island time.

Keri

Once a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid.

I would like to think of myself as someone who has some pretty awesome friends. These are the kind of friends you end up at Bingo with when you are 80…old, blue-haired bitches wearing scarves around their pincurls. And our husbands all ignore our ridiculousness.

So you tell me why they don’t love me enough to let me be in their weddings?

After all, it’s all about ME. Lol.

You see all these movies that tell you that you are going to be in each other’s weddings and hate your dress, and it’s one big happy mess, but you remember it for the rest of your life.

I was a bridesmaid once…in ONE of my TWO sister’s weddings. It was very nice…my dress was halfway decent. My other sister didn’t have either one of her two sisters in her wedding. I am still upset about that, and it was like 6 years ago. I think she may realize the error of her ways, now that the friends she picked turned out to be fair-weathered.

Most of my closest friends were married before I knew them, OR they had small weddings, not having attendants, other than a sister.

My divorced/divorcing friends will probably not have another wedding if they get married. You just don’t see it often.

My best friend, I will call her “Sir”…got married in Vegas a few years ago. It was a lovely wedding, but low key, so she didn’t have traditional attendants. Only her sister and her husband’s best friend. Yes, I was disappointed, but I understood, given the location. I still carried out my Best Friend duties of helping where needed and planning the Bachelorette party, at which I am a master.

Now HER sister is getting married. She’s been like my little sister since I was 10. She’s also the last of the bunch, and she’s become one of my best friends over the years since she got too tall for me to terrorize.

And guess what?

I’m a bridesmaid, bitch.

Although, I think it’s out of guilt….and I’m okay with that.

She didn’t want a large bridal party either, mostly due to the men we all marry, don’t have a lot of dude friends to wear a monkey suit and stand up for them. But she realizes she needs my "expert" planning skills, and since we talked about it since we were young and she was one of my bridesmaids, it’s come full circle. In any case, I am very excited and honored to be a part of it.

Keri

Taylor Swift is a ho. Just sayin.

Not a “ho” in the traditional sense.

I am not implying she is any more morally loose than the rest of us. Let’s be honest, I would probably have slept with every one she did, with the exception of Taylor Lautner, because he looks like my son Taylor….and he’s like 15 years younger than me, but that’s besides the point.

I really do not like this girl. Although I am not a fan of country music, or sugary-blond teen idols, it has nothing to do with her singing. She’s a fair singer. Better than Enrique Iglesias, which I can’t even figure out how he got a signing contract, but not as good as Mariah. I was probably the only asshole laughing when Kanye West cut her off at the Grammys. (I don’t really like him either, but it’s because he is a preppie college boy, not a true street thug. I’m going for realism here, people. )

Part of why I don’t like her is that she is fake as shit. She is no country bumpkin…NOOOOOOO way. In fact, she grew up with every one of her little, pink, bubble-gum whims being catered to. She had lessons in everything you could imagine. Singing, dancing, basket-weaving (just a guess)…her relatives owned the land on which King of Prussia Mall now stands. This was no poor bitch.

I also don’t like her because she’s a moron. If you are going to date Joe Jonas, you better take it for what it’s worth. This dude is at the foothill of mountains of male-whorism. He’s young, adorable, rich, and girls mail him their panties. Do you really think he’s going to settle down and date you for 6 years, a la Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? I mean, she’s got nice hair and all, but her face bothers me. It’s too thin.

If you are going to date a male superslut, ie: Joe Jonas or John Mayer, you better ask somebody. You are not going to change them. They are just going to use you and throw you away for the next hot starlet. I want to smack anyone who dates John Mayer. He’s not that hot, and his head is the size of my torso. And he reminds me of someone who would have chronic halitosis.

So when I saw the covers of the magazines that she was devastated because Jake Gyllenhaal broke up with her, I wanted to vomit a little in my mouth. Jake is pretty hot. But he’s older and he’s rebounding from his breakup with Reese. I want to pull Taylor to the side, and say, “Look, I understand you thought you were going to have babies and get a picket fence with him, but for chrissakes, you’re 12 and he’s already got chest-hair! LOTS of it.” (I bet it flutters in the wind if your breath were to cross it while laying across his chest. Like a grassy meadow.)

I’m just sayin, the “little girl who keeps getting rejected by all of Hollywoods male celebrity” act needs to stop. I would have so much more respect for you if YOU would be the one to break a few hearts instead of always playing the victim.

And now I am going to go duct tape my mouth shut for wasting a post on Taylor Swift. I read about 30 magazines while I was away.

As I sit in paradise, I realize I suck at relaxing.

Day 4 in St Lucia...

I have now spent 2 full days in one of the most relaxing places I've ever been. I've tried as best I can to block out all the events I will encounter in the next 3 months. I've laid on the beach, and cursed my blueish-white thighs. I've so far, managed to dodge a lobster-esque sunburn. I've laid around, doing nothing but reading trash magazines. I've consumed my weight in rum.

I'm bored.

I know...cry you a river, right?

I'm not really complaining. But I find myself missing my bed, my dogs, my ability to not live out of a suitcase. And I am ready to plan out my moving. We got a lot of information in the two days before we flew here...we are moving to San Francisco proper and we ARE allowed to sign a lease, so we can go househunt before we move...which alleviates many of my anxieties.

But we've also spent a buttload of money here. The food is RIDICULOUSLY expensive. The alcohol is much cheaper though. We chartered a private boat for the day tomorrow, in an attempt to get out and do something. Andy and the boys want to snorkel. I don't do floating, so I will be riding up front, happy as a dog sticking its head out of a moving car window.

My MIL and I are also going to go shopping, which I know will end in utter depression and lots of overeating, since I won't fit in to any of the clothes in the high-end boutiques. AND I really shouldn't spend more on clothes and accessories anyway.

It's been a good trip, but I really need structure in my life....so this can get a little maddening.

Keri